Well the hour is nearly upon us! After a ridiculously unnecessarily long time, Nintendo have finally promised to reveal all of the important details about their new console, the Nintendo Switch. Of course, we already know quite a lot more than we were supposed to thanks to the sterling work of Eurogamer and Lets Play Video Games, so the vast majority of predictions articles are basically going to cover things that are practically certain (assuming someone hasn’t been playing around with the press. Reggie?).
Therefore, here are five Nintendo Switch predictions that only vaguely overlap with the ridiculous amount of things we already know about this mysterious system.
1. A lot of British people will be extremely cranky tomorrow
Seriously, Nintendo? 4am? You gleefully ask us to watch a thing that starts at 4am? Could you really have not at least have waited until 7 so that we could sleep beforehand instead of putting it right slap bang at the most awkward portion of the night? Would it really have inconvenienced you that much? Whilst I get that the nature of timezones means that somebody will get the wrong end of the stick whatever, it really speaks to Nintendo’s commitment to Europe that not only is it us that suffers yet again, but also that it doesn’t care or acknowledge how frigging awkward this is.
Are you specifically punishing the reporters that have been leaking your stuff?
2. We will find something to complain about
There’s something wrong with it. I mean, everything we’ve seen about it so far is extremely promising and Nintendo’s marketing has been the most on-message that it’s been for years, so something really really bad is about to happen. Maybe it doesn’t work properly. Maybe the battery life is incredibly short and you can’t charge it whilst also playing. Maybe that Splatoon game is powered by microtransactions. Whatever the case, the fact that the reveal is on Friday the 13th bodes incredibly badly.
But then quite frankly, the way the internet works, the issues could be incredibly minor and we will still act as if it’s a massive dealbreaker that will sink the company. Nintendo is dead. Again.
3. That game you want won’t be announced
Leave it; it’s not happening. We already know by now that Nintendo has stopped caring about your favourite game franchise. There hasn’t been a decent entry in the series since the Gamecube, if at all. One day maybe they shall get back to it, but without any new proper entries in the series to prove that new proper entries in the series would be profitable, they just aren’t going to make any new proper entries in the series. It’s a vicious circle.
You’ll just have to live knowing that that stagnant Nintendo franchise will possibly live on if they ever bother to release the classic Gamecube entries on the rumoured Gamecube Virtual Console. Which they probably won’t. Sorry.
4. A lot of the games will be very familiar
Nintendo are just coming out of a bad patch in which very few people had their console. That means that not many people bought the games they’ve been making. Expect them to capitalise on that by releasing updated Switch versions of all of their best Wii-U games but with the second-screen features removed. We already know about Splatoon and Mario Kart 8, but what about…
Hold on, what were the good games on the Wii-U other than that? Does anybody know. Bayonetta 2 possibly. That could really use a re-release come to think of it. And they’ll probably give Mario Maker another shot what with that being a real crowd pleaser.
5. It’s not going to leave you satisfied
You’re going to have more questions. It’s only natural, really. There’s literally no way they could possibly answer every single thing about the Switch in a single presentation, and you’re going to come out of it knowing very little more than you already do. Sure, you’re going to learn something you didn’t already know, and there’s going to be a couple of games you could never have predicted, but that one big thing you need to know is going to go unanswered, and that lack of an answer will haunt you. It will taunt you every waking hour, teasing you with its elusive mysteries. You won’t be able to sleep for the unquenched desire for details and answers. Just any bit of information to stop those horrible questioning thoughts that contort your mind and refuse to let you go until they are well and truly answered.
Or it could be pretty good. We don’t quite know.